There are some things which I am never too sure whether to write about, but I do find it extremely cathartic and at the end of the day when I very first decided to write a blog it was with the intention that Cameron would have the opportunity to read it back one day and the one thing which I have always promised both of my children is that I will always, always, always be 100% honest with them.
Tonight we fly from Singapore to Melbourne and as I write this blog we are in fact 39,000ft in the air.
I last made this flight almost 9 years ago to the day, and last year when we spent so long in Australia I very deliberately did NOT put Melbourne on the itinerary as it was just too painful a place to return to. This year however the one place Cameron has asked that we go to is Melbourne. His reasoning is that he wants to see the Puffing Billy Railway, but I wonder if deep down he really understands that this is where his roots lay…. – his biological father, his grandparents, aunty, uncle, cousins and now a little half brother ALL live here (none of whom he has met or had any communication with),
He does know the truth as I have always drip fed him bits of information for as long as I can remember, but obviously at the age of just 8 it’s still a lot for him to fully comprehend. Today I asked him how he was feeling about going to Melbourne, knowing that his biological father was here but not actually knowing where he is? and he simply replied “I would just like to meet him so I can say thank you for making me” (Oh my heart melted)
After meeting Cam’s Australian father at work in 2010 he returned to Australia later that year when his work visa expired but we kept in touch regularly having already started a relationship in the U.K. before he left. I had then arranged to go and visit him in Melbourne in February 2011, but in the weeks leading up to that he had decided to return to the UK for another year and having enquired about getting his old job back, he was basically told in the January ‘come back NOW and it’s yours’ Hence he landed back in the UK just a couple of weeks before I was due to fly to Melbourne and totally unexpectedly within that time we created Cameron!!
Not going to lie it was a complete shock! I was 40 by this time with a 13 year old daughter, I had given up on the hope of ever having another child and actually having hit that magic four zero the longing had passed me anyway.
But there I was in Australia when I discovered I was pregnant. I was actually in Sydney at the time but two days later I flew back to Melbourne and after sending an email home to the said father, I remember sitting on the steps of Federation Square and opening a reply which simply red “terminate that child it won’t have a father”.
A host of equally nasty messages followed, all pleading with me to have a termination and telling me my life would be over if I had a baby at 40, but for me termination wasn’t even an option and when given the choice “well it’s either me or the baby” the baby naturally won without question or doubt.
I did see his father again when I returned to the UK, for a while I thought we ‘might’ make it work, but two weeks before Cam was born he boarded a flight back to his homeland in Melbourne, never to be seen again. All I do know is that he became a father again 6 years later and that hurts even more knowing that Cameron also now has a baby brother whom I know he would adore but has no contact with.
As I said in a recent blog though, I feel like I am a very different person making the journey this year than I was when I left just 12 months ago. I am certainly a VERY different person to the one I was 9 years ago.
Another comment that Cameron’s father had made to me early on in my pregnancy was “If you have that baby then your life is over” Oh how very wrong he was on that one!!!!!
Now here I am, sat on a plane at 2am with my beautiful son by my side. The last time I flew this route he was about the size of a sesame seed growing inside me and I didn’t even know it.
And once again we have come full circle. I am ready to make this part of the journey now, both physically & emotionally and to face head first whatever it may bring up for either of us.
No one ever said it was going to be easy, they only said it would be worth it.